A Self-Inflicting Dispute of Why

Wishing for the best way towards the best life for myself in a better world than the one I exist in today.  Current mood is sad.  I feel closed off and removed from anything that has ever had value to me.  But the solution to that would be to connect with what I have.  Well this is for that.  As I write this I cant ask who read it so I may never know the result.  The final tally is another way of saying it.  The negative exclusivity of being lost and essentially neutralized in your own creation is perplexing.  This seems to be my career after getting a Graduate degree is a field where I have do not have a place to accommodate the accomplishment.  Sad.  Not a call for foul play but an admission of lack of the certain premium held in a je ne sais quoi within my character.  This site was started from poems written in my spare time mixed with scholarship essays that I decided to share with world whether I received an award notification or not.  It only goes back to October of 2015 but what is this now.  Is it what I dictate to the audience through writing or it is what the people select is most valuable to them.  This is somewhat different from my perceived norm.  An introspective piece about where I am as of May 2018 and was any of this even worth it.  I am in a very cold very bad place without an exit plan to speak of.  The worst thing is it not being a new feeling.  Yet I dont have a winning routine to combat it either.  So whats the response?  The mirror's reflection only tells true tales.  So if I told you I have zero friends, zero family and zero support system it would not be literal.  So how about some facts.  I have nothing to do.  Some things that would be helpful would be a mode of transportation, a home of my own, a steady source of income, nice and loyal people to confide in and a complementary female partner to become to finishing touch of sorts.  Thats my ideal life which is what an increasing number of us have.  Maybe I have not attained these qualities because my approach.  Well what if I treat this as a prayer.  What if I treat this as my wishing well for money, wishing well for positive attention, wishing well for my voice and self image to be projected to the world.  Would I then become favored in God's eyes or am I again making the wrong decision for my outlet in assuming how to reach someone to help.  Help is a profound word that I have learned will be translated into what others will provide and feel you should have.  For me, it was sickness, it was abuse, it was theft and more of what ails any normal person.  And when I started this I thought there would be more of a positive return but my life has been filled eternal silence and seclusion.  A question I have is when you bring light to something that pains you do you only get more of it or will someone just make it stop.  Even if for only a second or to never return, make it stop. An endless cycle for a downward spiral is not sane to maintain.  Poetry out of place and context can be confusing.  But that the low mentality.  That's the reality.  And thats the stopping point for now.

From Inner Battle To Recovery

To talk about overcoming the demons of emotion for a return to recovery is the topic of this entry.  Now usually recovering of this magnitude is associated with drug addiction of some sort where use, overuse and mending is part of the process.  However there is another domain I would like to take this to.  Depression and anxiety has its realm in this sort of motif too.  Mental and emotional destruction of coping with doubt, fear and significance is a battle that individuals have had to face at different stages of their lives.  It can be very short-lived or extended for exceedingly lengthy periods of time.  The term is almost certainly associated with the cause and solution.  Personally, my foibles are ushered in from acceptance and being good enough.  Both have societal and social denotations brought about from them.  Though they are very closely related, there is an infinitesimal difference that I will provide detail on a little later.  Acceptance or lack thereof was conveyed by a castaway effect created by those around me.  For most of my life I never really fit in with my peers.  The reasons were numerous and honestly valid.  So part of the problem was I could not complain and say they were wrong, I simply had to find a way to correct the issue.  But the feeling of having to change for people to like me made the issue more difficult to handle.  You might hear people say things like be cool and be yourself but I was being told I did not have the same option.  It facilitated sorrow but nothing more.  Being good enough is less about what people thought of me and more about how I represented myself.  Grades in school played a direct factor but at some point I did not want to earn high grades.  I wanted to just learn the material and not perform as requested by my instructors.  The proverbial experiment was to see if people would even care if my grades did not reflect my capabilities.  How could I display that though?  So maybe my premise was misguided from the beginning and I continued toward a predictable ending.  Failure.  It is not easy to tell from the writing but the time span of these topics flipped and was never simultaneous.  In my younger years, I was perceived as smart but not likable.  Then much later I gained some notoriety but nobody suspected I was the sharpest tool in the shed.  Then I developed the mindset that instants are simply that.  Words, encounters and feelings are all temporary.  The only thing that has longevity and is permanent in my life is myself.  The remedy, in my mind, was merely to spend every day in the eye of the storm and wait for the moments to pass.  Before it I am Obioku, after it I am Obioku and whatever title is assigned in between was basically earned or given.  But the value of the moniker was expressive more for the provider rather than the receiver.  The resolution, itself, left me kind of cold and emotionless.  Never any high points or low points.  That is another course of correction I had to implement.  Enjoying the smiles and understanding the cries is a normal part of life.  We live in a world where you can always establish the standard of what and who you should be.  It is healthy to have an optimistic attitude and project a positive image of yourself.  I am still working towards that now but it is part of the ongoing process of my road to recovery.